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Words of wisdom from Xander...

Xander - Well, uh, maybe I'll see you around... maybe at school... since we... both... go there.
Buffy - Great! It was nice to meet you.
Xander - We both go to school. Very suave. Very not pathetic. (Welcome to the Hellmouth)

Xander - Well, not much goes on in a one Starbucks town like Sunnydale. (Welcome to the Hellmouth)

Xander - Okay, this is were I have a problem. See, because we're talking about vampires. We're having a talk with vampires in it. (Welcome to the Hellmouth)

Xander - It's cool, Buffy's a superhero. (The Harvest)

Xander - I don't like vampires. I'm gonna take a stand and say they're not good. (The Harvest)

Xander - I laugh in the face of danger. Then I hide until it goes away. (Witch)

Xander - For I am Xander, King of Cretins. May all lesser cretins bow before me. (The Witch)

Xander - First vampires, now witches. No wonder you can still afford a house in Sunnydale. (Witch)

Xander - Alright, alright, it's not what you think.
Willow - You like to look at the semi-nude engravings?
Xander - Oh, well, uh, I-I guess it is what you think. (The Witch)

Xander - (To Buffy) We're right behind you, only... further back. (The Witch)

Buffy - You hurt your hand! Will you still be able to...
Xander - ...finish my solo and kiss you like you've never been kissed before? (Teacher's Pet)

Willow - That must be Angel! I think?
Xander - That weird guy that warned her about all the vampires?
Willow - That's him, I'll bet you.
Xander - Well, he's buff! She never said anything about him being buff!
Willow - You think he's buff?
Xander - He's a very attractive man! How come that never came up? (Teacher's Pet)

Xander - It's funny how the earth never opens up and swallows you when you want it to. (Teacher's Pet)

Miss French - Oh, Xander! I've done something really stupid. I hope you can forgive me.
Xander - Oh, forgiveness is my middle name! Well, actually it's LaVelle, and I'd appreciate it if you guard that secret with your life. (Teacher's Pet)

Xander - (To Buffy, about Miss French) She's not an insect! She's a woman, okay? And hard as that may be for you to conceive, an actual woman finds me attractive. I realize it's no mystery guy handing out leather jackets, and while we're on the subject, what kind of a girlie name is 'Angel' anyway? (Teacher's Pet)

Miss French - Have you ever been with a woman before?
Xander - You mean, like, in, uh, the same room?
Miss French - You know what I mean.
Xander - Oh, that, uh... Well, let me think. Um... Yeah, there was, uh... several! I mean, and, uh, quite a few times... And then there was, uh... Oh, she was incredibly... No. Uh-uh. (Teacher's Pet)

Xander - Just for the record, you were right, I'm an idiot, and God bless you! (Teacher's Pet)

Buffy - Which one do you think Owen will like better? The red or the peach?
Xander - Oh, you mean for kissing you and then telling all his friends how easy you are so the whole school loses respect for you and then talks behind your back? The red's fine. (Never Kill a Boy on the First Date)

Xander - (To Cordelia) Y'know, hey, I don't know what everyone's talking about. That outfit doesn't make you look like a hooker! (Angel)

Xander - Whoa, well, let's stop this crazy whirligig of fun! I'm dizzy! (Angel)

Xander - (To Buffy) You're in love with a vampire?! What, are you outta your mind?!
Cordelia - What?!
Xander - Not vampire... How could you love an umpire? Everyone hates 'em! (Angel)

Xander - Does anyone esle feel like we've been Keyser Soze'd? (The Puppet Show)

Willow - When Buffy was a vampire, you weren't still, like, attracted to her, were you?
Xander - Willow, how can you... I mean, that's really bent, she was grotesque.
Willow - Still dug her, huh?
Xander - I'm sick. I need help.
Willow - Don't I know it. (Nightmares)

Xander - (To Buffy) I guess a guy's gotta be undead to make time with you. (Prophecy)

Xander - You were looking at my neck.
Angel - What?
Xander - You were checking out my neck! I saw that!
Angel - No, I wasn't!
Xander - Just keep your distance, pal.
Angel - I wasn't looking at your neck!
Xander - I told you to eat before we left. (Prophecy)

Xander - (To Buffy) We're your bosom friends! The friends of your bosom! (When She Was Bad)

Xander - Willow, grow up. Not everything is about kissing.
Xander - (To Willow) Yeah. Some stuff's about groping. (When She Was Bad)

Xander - (About Buffy) Are we overlooking the idea that she may be very attracted to me?... She's possessed. (When She Was Bad)

Xander - That's what it was! I mean, why else would she be acting like such a b-i-t-c-h?
Xander - Willow, I think we're all a little too old to be spelling things out.
Xander - A bitca? (When She Was Bad)

Xander - (To Angel) I knew you were lying . . . Undead liar guy. (School Hard)

Xander - Well, we could grind our enemies into talcum powder with a sledgehammer, but, gosh, we did that last night. (When She Was Bad)

Xander - We are talking Ms. Calendar, right?
Giles - W-what makes you think that?
Xander - Simple deduction. Ms. Calendar is reasonably dollsome, especially for someone in your age bracket. She already knows that you're a school librarian, so you don't have to worry about how to break that embarrassing news to her. (Some Assembly Required)

Xander - Now, is it time to have a talk about the facts of life?
Xander - You know, I'm suddenly deciding this is none of your business.
Xander - Y'know, because that whole stork thing is a smoke screen. (Some Assembly Required)

Xander - (About grave digging) So, we're set then. Say, nineish? BYO shovel? (Some Assembly Required)

Willow - By the way, are we hoping to find a body, or no body?
Xander - Call me an optimist, but I'm hoping to find a fortune in gold doubloons. (Some Assembly Required)

Xander - Well, I guess that makes it official. Everybody's paired off. Vampires get dates. Hell, even the school librarian sees more action than me. You ever think that the world is a giant game of musical chairs, and the music's stopped and we're the only ones who don't have a chair? (Some Assembly Required)

Buffy - Have you ever done an exchange program?
Xander - My dad tried to send me to some Armenians once. Does that count? (Inca Mummy Girl)

Willow - I know! We could go to the Bronze, sneak in our own tea bags, and ask for hot water.
Xander - Hop off the outlaw train, Will, before you land us all in jail. (Reptile Boy)

Xander - I want to keep an eye on Buffy. Those frat boys creep me.
Willow - You want to protect her. And you want to prove you're as good as those rich, snotty guys. And maybe catch an orgy.
Xander - If it's on early. (Reptile Boy)

Xander - (Referring to Angel's game face) Okay. That is the guy you want to party with. (Reptile Boy)

Xander - Those wacky vampires! That's why I love 'em! They just keep you guessing! (Halloween)

Xander - Buffy! Lady of Buffdom, Duchess of Buffonia, I am in awe! I completely renounce spandex! (Halloween)

Xander - Okay, on sleazing extra candy: tears are key. Tears will normally get you the double-bagger. You can also try the old "you missed me" routine, but it's risky. Only go there for chocolate. Understood? (Halloween)

Xander - Hey, it's me. If Angel's doing something wrong, I need to know. 'Cause it gives me a happy. (Lie To Me)

Xander - O-kay. Once more, with tension. (Lie To Me)

Xander - Yeah, I'm going to have to go with Dead Boy on that.
Angel - Could you not call me that? (Lie To Me)

Willow - The Lonely Ones?
Angel - Vampires
Xander - Oh. We usually call them the nasty pointy bitey ones. (Lie To Me)

Xander - (To Buffy and Willow) When you look at me, do you think prison guard? (What's My Line, Part 1)

Xander - They assigned you to the booth for Law Enforcement Professionals.
Buffy - As in police?
Xander - As in polyester, donuts and brutality. (What's My Line, Part 1)

Xander - But Ho Ho's are a vital part of my cognitive process. (What's My Line, Part 1)

Xander - It's a statistical impossibility for a sixteen-year-old girl to unplug a telephone. (What's My Line, Part 1)

Cordelia - I can't even believe you. You drag me out of bed this early for a ride? What am I, mass transportation?
Xander - That's what a lot of the guys say. But it's just locker-room talk. I never pay it any mind.
Cordelia - Great, so now I'm your taxi and your punching bag?
Xander - I like to think of you more as my witless foil, but have it your way. (What's My Line, Part 1)

Xander - You know, just when you think you've seen it all. Along comes a worm guy. (What's My Line, Part 1)

Xander - (Referring to Kendra) A Slayer? (To Buffy) I knew this "I'm the only one, I'm the only one" thing was just an attention getter. (What's My Line? Part 2)

Buffy - It's Angel. He's Drusilla's sire.
Xander - Man! That guy got some major neck in his day. (What's My Line? Part 2)

Xander - (To Kendra) Angel's our friend. Except I don't like him. (What's My Line? Part 2)

Xander - I am the Bug Man, coo-coo coo-chu. (What's My Line? Part 2)

Xander - (To Mr. Pfister) Hey larva boy. That's right, I'm talking to you - you big cootie. (What's My Line? Part 2)

Xander - Boy, somebody was raised in a culture free environment. (Ted)

Xander - How is Angel? Pretend that I care. (Ted)

Xander - Now that's creepy on a level I hardly knew existed. (Ted)

Mr. Whitmore - S-E-X. Sex. The sex drive in the human animal is intense. How many of us have lost countless productive hours plagued by unwanted sexual thoughts and feelings?
Xander - Yes! Mm-hm.
Mr. Whitmore - That was a rhetorical question, Mr. Harris, not a poll.
Xander - Oh. (Bad Eggs)

Xander - You gotta take care of the egg. It's a baby. You gotta keep it safe and teach it Christian values.
Willow - My egg is Jewish.
Xander - Then teach it that Dreidel song. (Bad Eggs)

Xander - Apparently Buffy has decided the problem with the English language is all those pesky words. (Bad Eggs)

Giles - I suppose there is a sort of... Machiavellian ingenuity to your transgression.
Xander - I resent that!... Or possibly thank you. (Bad Eggs)

Xander - This... thing with us, despite our better judgment, it keeps happening. Maybe we should just admit that we're dating.
Cordelia - Groping in a broom closet isn't dating. You don't call it a date until the guy spends money.
Xander - Fine. I'll spend, then we'll grope. Whatever. (Surprise)

Xander - (To Giles) You ready to get down, you funky party weasel? (Surprise)

Giles - Now remember: discretion is the better part of valor.
Xander - You coulda just said, 'shh!' God, are all you Brits such drama queens? (Surprise)

Xander - Buffy, I feel a pre-birthday spanking coming on.
Jenny - I'd curb that impulse if I were you, Xander.
Xander - Check, cancel spanking. (Surprise)

Giles - If Drusilla is alive, i-i-it could be a fairly... cataclysmic state of affairs.
Xander - Again, so many words! Couldn't you just say, 'we'd be in trouble'? (Surprise)

Xander - Hmm, it's sad, granted. But let's look at the upside for a moment. I mean, what kind of a future would she've really had with him? She's got 2 jobs -- Denny's waitress by day, Slayer by night -- and Angel's always in front of the TV with a big blood belly, and he's dreamin' of the glory days when Buffy still thought this whole creature of the night routine was a big turn on.
Willow - You've thought way too much about this.
Xander - No, no. That's just the beginning. Have I told you the part where I fly into town in my private jet and take Buffy out for prime rib? (Surprise)

Xander - Well, the bus depot was a total washout. And may I say what a lovely place to spend the night. What a vibrant cross-section of Americana.
Giles - No vampires transporting boxes?
Xander - No, but a four-hundred-pound wino offered to wash my hair. (Innocence)

Xander - I was crazed. I wasn't thinking.
Cordelia - I know. You were too busy rushing off to die for your beloved Buffy. You'd never die for me.
Xander - No, I might die from you. Does that get me any points? (Innocence)

Xander - Whoa. Whoa! I... I think I'm having a thought. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's a thought. Now I'm having a plan. Now I'm having a wiggins. (Innocence)

Xander - I'm 17. Looking at linoleum makes me wanna have sex. (Innocence)

Xander - (Referring to Oz and Willow) What relationship? I mean, what life could they possibly have together? We're talking obedience school, paper training, Oz is always in back burying their things, and that kind of breed can turn on its owner. (Phases)

Xander - That's it. This has got to stop. It's time for me to act like a man. And hide. (Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered)

Xander - Excuse me, but have you ever heard of knocking?c Student - We're supposed to get some books. On Stalin.
Xander - Does this look like a Barnes and Noble?
Giles - This is a school library, Xander.
Xander - Since when? (Passion)

Xander - Man, Buffy. My whole life just flashed before my eyes. I've got to get me a life. (Killed By Death)

Xander - (To Angelus) Take a walk, overbite. (Killed By Death)

Xander - (To Angelus) You're gonna die. And I'm gonna be there. (Killed By Death)

Xander - Could you make just a little more with the touchy-gropey?
Cordelia - Jealous?
Xander - Of Rogaine boy? I don't think so. (Killed By Death)

Buffy - Uh, I feel all oogy.
Xander - Increased ooginess. That's a danger signal. (Killed By Death)

Willow - Oh, yeah, I'm good at medical stuff since Xander and I used to play doctor all the time.
Xander - No, she's being literal. She used to have all these medical volumes, uh, and diagnosed me with stuff. I didn't have the heart to tell her she was playing it wrong. (Killed By Death)

Xander - (To Buffy) Your mom's tryin' to Bogart the cheesy chips. What's that all about? (Killed By Death)

Xander - Something weird is going on. Isn't that our school motto? (I Only Have Eyes For You)

Xander - (To Buffy) I don't wanna poo-poo your wiggins, but a domestic dispute, a little case of chalkboard Tourette's? All sounds like Hellmouth Lite to me. (I Only Have Eyes For You)

Xander - I defined something? Accurately? Guess I'm done with the book learning. (I Only Have Eyes For You)

Xander - Fill me in then, 'cause I've read the book, seen the movie, and I'm still fuzzy about what's going on. (I Only Have Eyes For You)

Willow This is freaky. I don't ever remember ever seeing Giles be this weird.
Xander - I know. He's usually Investigate-Things-From-Every-Boring-Angle Guy. Now he's I-Cling-Onto-My-One-Lame-Idea Guy. (I Only Have Eyes For You)

Buffy - What do we know?
Xander - Dog spit is cleaner than human.
Buffy - Besides that? (I Only Have Eyes For You)

Xander - Oh, yeah, baby, it's snakalicious in here. (I Only Have Eyes For You)

Xander - (Referring to the swarm of wasps) So what now? Not even a mega-vat of Raid's gonna do the trick here. (I Only Have Eyes For You)

Xander - Hi, for those of you who have just tuned in, everyone here is a crazy person. (Becoming, Part 1)

Xander - (To Cordelia) You know, just for once I wish you would support me... And I realize now that you were, and I'm embarassed. (Becoming, Part 1)

Xander - Cavalry's here. Cavalry's a frightened guy with a rock, but it's here. (Becoming Part 2)

Xander - I've always been amazed with how Buffy fought, but... in a way, I feel like we took her punning for granted. (Anne)

Xander - Generally speaking, when scary things get scared: not good. (Dead Man's Party)

Xander - (To Faith) Wow, they should film that story and show it every Christmas. (Faith, Hope and Trick)

Xander - And they say young people don't learn anything in high school nowadays, but, um, I've learned to be afraid. (Faith, Hope and Trick)

Xander - Oh, you wanna date. I saw that half-smile, you little slut. (Faith, Hope and Trick)

Xander - Oz does not eat people. It's more werewolf play. You know, I bat you around a little bit, like a cat toy. I have harmless, wolf fun. Is it Oz's fault that, you know, side effect, people get cut to ribbons, and maybe then he'll take a little nibble and... I'm not helping, am I? (Beauty and the Beasts)

Xander - You wanna talk fun? Public bus. You meet the funnest people. (Homecoming)

Xander - Buffy and Faith are in the library getting all sweaty.
Cordelia - They're training.
Xander - I stand by my phrase. (Homecoming)

Xander - Okay, let's not say something we'll, uh, regret later...
Cordelia - You crazy freak!
Buffy - Vapid whore!
Xander - ... like that! (Homecoming)

Xander - (Referring to the SAT) I hate they make us take that thing. It's totally fascist, and personally, I think it, uh, discriminates against the uninformed. (Band Candy)

Xander - I like chocolate. There is no bad here. (Band Candy)

Willow - It's late. I'm tired. What does he want from us anyway?
Xander - A number of a qualified surgeon to remove the British flag from his butt. (Revelations)

Xander - Hey Giles, here's a nifty idea: Why don't I eleviate my guilt by going out and getting myself really, really killed. (Revelations)

Buffy - It was an accident.
Xander - What, you just tripped and fell on his lips? (Revelations)

Xander - Well, as long as she and Angel don't get pelvic, we'll be okay, I guess. (Revelations)

Bizarro Willow - "Buffy", ooh, scary.
Bizarro Xander - Someone has to talk to her people. That name is striking fear in nobody's heart. (The Wish)

Buffy - It was so weird.
Xander - Angel? Weird? What are the odds? (Amends)

Buffy - I don't wanna' bug Giles. He's still kinda' twitchy when it comes to the subject of Angel.
Xander - Oh, it must be the whole 'Angel killed his girlfriend and tortured him' thing, and Giles is petty when it comes to stuff like that. (Amends)

Xander - Well, I'll be enjoying my annual Christmas Eve camp-out. See, I take my sleeping bag outside and I go to sleep on the grass.
Willow - Sounds fun.
Xander - Yeah, I like to look at the stars, you know? Feel the whole nature vibe.
Cordelia - I thought you slept outside to avoid your family's drunken Christmas fights.
Xander - Yes. And that was a confidence I was hoping you would share with everyone. (Amends)

Xander - (To Buffy) Look, I'm aware I haven't been the mostest best friend to you when it comes to the whole Angel thing, and, um, I don't know, maybe I finally got the Chanukah spirit. (Amends)

Buffy - Are you sure this is how you wanna spend your Christmas vacation?
Xander - Yeah, this is actually the most exciting thing I've got planned. Who else can claim that pathetic a social life? (Amends)

Willy - So, w-what can I do for you? Couple of drinks?
Xander - Yeah. Let me get a double shot of, um... of information, pal. (Amends)

Xander - We know underground. That's a start.
Buffy - Sure, in a town with fourteen million square miles of sewer.
Xander - Plus a lot of natural cave formations and a gateway to Hell. Yeah, this does resemble square one. (Amends)

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